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April 01, 2009
Lost again....?/ 6:00 AM What a joke.. My last proper entry was so many months ago.. Many thanks to those who still visit my blog although it's been dead for so long. Was on my way home from sengkang after dinner just now when the thought of blogging suddenly came to me. I'm feeling so emo. Once again, i feel that life's so boring and meaningless.. But at least i see a little "thing" to look forward to to go to camp for now.. First, i went into a relationship which i gave up later due to my selfishness, hurting the other party so badly. Second, all i did was play with MCs for the past few months to avoid camp which is totally so slack and practically nothing to do everyday. Third, even when i'm in camp, i seldom help out with work to be done and spend my day slacking around.. I didn't even care much about what's happening in my family.. Not that i don't wanna care.. I'm just spending everyday looking forward to nothing and i wake up each morning with emptiness in my head.. to the extend that i don't even know what's happening around me.. Maybe that's just a sad excuese.. who knows.. I met her in around january.. She was so hyperactive and cheerful as i first knew her.. As the days pass, i got to know the other side of her as problems arise and discussions are needed.. Time passed and she made me feel that i can't live without her. The amount of care, concern and love that she showered me with are that i've never felt before. Maybe i felt inferior that i couldn't give ANYTHING at all and used NS as an excuese for whenever whatever problem arise. So much so to the extend that one fine day i realised i'm such a useless bastard. She stood by me all these while with love, care and concern that never seems to fade. I couldn't live life like that anymore and i selfishly, cruelly broke her heart. I'm sorry i'm such a sad bastard. She's right when she said " You don't wanna face life and just hide behind a world of games to avoid reality. When will you grow up and face all these problems like a man..? You complain about so many things in your life but you don't wanna do anything about it when you actually can." I'm trying so hard to change now but i just seem to lack the determination and reslove to do it. Just so afraid that one day i'll jump and end this pathetic life. It's what my army friend would call "fucked-up". I don't see anything to look forward to now.. Until today maybe, it seems that spending time out with my camp mates made me unknowingly build a bond with them which is the one and only reason i look forward to going to camp.. I just wanna thank them although i know i'm as fuck up as i describe others to be and/or maybe worst than them, that they still stood by and support me as we struggle our everyday in camp. I took up night classes for Diploma in "Tourist and Hospitality" in TMC which will commence on april the 8th. Pray, wish and hope that i don't screw this up. Like always, my parents are supporting me all the way. I don't wanna disappoint them again... Labels: Emo and Lost |
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